At the moment I feel like I’m lying under a massive duvet, not in the pleasant or cosy way. I feel like the duvet is made of concrete and it’s pressing on my body and crushing out my breath. My eye lids feel heavy and there is a constant white-noise-fuzz in my head. Plus, I have a really annoying sinus headache that will not go away.
Today, I feel better than I did on Monday. Today, I feel a bit lighter. Monday was a black day, a dark thoughts day. It took every ounce of my life-force to get myself out of bed and motivated to even respond to emails. I wasn’t tired, I just felt low on life. I felt like my shoulders would never be straight again and my head was too heavy to hold up.
I’ve lost all sense of urgency to do anything; my livelihood depends on me being a “self-starter”, “self-motivated”, “passionate” and an “opportunist”. I can barely check my Facebook, never mind answer telephone calls and write content. You might have noticed that our social media presence has nose-dived in the last week or so.
I’m pretty certain I’m depressed, not clinically, but working alone, in my house, not getting out much and it being dark for 20 hours a day isn’t doing me any favours. S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) has caught up with me and my sun-lamp isn’t going to do the trick, either. I suffer from anxiety (about everything) and I’m certain that I’m prone to depressive tendencies. The ironic thing about it is I can’t afford (money = something I’m anxious about) to get it diagnosed by a psychologist but I need to feel good again (work = something I’m anxious about) to really give everything to ensuring that Littlebearabroad grows, succeeds and makes gains. Having gone to Vårdcentral I’m now on a waiting list to see a psychologist in the New Year.
There is no point to this monologue, apart from being cathartic? I can’t even tell you if I’ve experienced this black fog before, I’ve certainly been close to it. I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt comfortable saying “I’m depressed” until now. But, I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. It won’t last for ever, it isn’t chronic and I don’t need pills (well, maybe some vitamin D) but it’s been good to be honest with myself about it. First step, and all that, eh?